What do I stand for? What do I stand for?

Since I am no longer as diligent about posting as I used to be, I tend to have a lot of ideas of what I am going to write about by the time I actually get around to sitting down and writing, and this time was no different.  I think future topics will include my fear about raising children in the future, the increasing use of technology in the classroom, increased updates on my life etc but this time, I think I need to talk about how I feel about the current situation in Israel.

Let me start by saying that I find  my connection to Israel fascinating because unlike my connection to other places, this connection is not derived from a stay there.  Being Jewish in the Diaspora generally means we all have an assumed connection to Israel and while I have yet to visit, because of camp, I know a good number of people who call Israel home.  I want to visit but at the same time, I think I'm scared not because of the threat of physical danger but because being there is supposed to be lifechanging.  What if I go and don't have that lifechanging moment of clarity?  How will it alter my view of myself in respect to my religion?  It's extremely common for most Jews to struggle with their Jewish identity, some would even say that that is what makes us Jewish but I sometimes think that this struggle has been a little more intense for me because it was a decision I had to make over and over which will impact large decisions in the future.

So the situation at hand is impossible to grapple with from this distance.  I am sitting at work, excited that I will not have to get into a pool for the foreseeable future, that I bought gas for less than $4 a gallon today and my friend was in a bomb shelter not too long ago.  Hearing from her that she was evacuated to safety in Tel Aviv put the whole situation in clearer perspective.  She is one of my closest friends and not an Israeli citizen, she is an American student spending six months abroad in Eretz Yisrael yet the bombs are still coming at her.

I work with Israeli citizens now and have since I was 17 and I can't imagine being in there shoes right now.  Some of them are getting called back up to fight, some are being evacuated to shelters and the ones here are constantly trying to communicate with their loved ones back home.  During Superstorm Sandy, my family was unable to contact one of my aunties until about a week later (she's fine) because we couldn't get non-local calls to her.  That was scary enough and these people are dealing with direct relatives.

It's hard feeling as helpless as I do because there is nothing I can do to make the situation any better for any of these people in my life.  I feel like everything I have to say is so trivial about the whole situation because I am so detached from all of it.  This is not my reality by any means and trying to reconcile how to be there for my friends without overwhelming them is a hard line to balance.

The American media covers most things Israel in a very interesting light.  The bias changes depending on the situation but if you are unaware of Israel's policies, the media can sometimes spin it in a way that makes Israel look like the bad guy to support American policies.  Looking back at the release of Gilad Shalit last year, this was an important move, reenforcing to Israelis that they would not be sacrificed or forgotten by their country even if it means negotiating with terrorists.  I understand the idea behind not negotiating with terrorists but it would be nice to know that my country stood behind my friends in our military the way Israel stands behind their soldiers.  It's hard to get an accurate account of anything going on because the media is starting to treat Hamas like it's something other than a terrorist group.

Okay, I have not been articulate or connected in any way through this but I think I got my point across a little.  I should really do productive things at work now.

So This is the New Year and I Don't Feel Any Different

So hard as I might try to be good, I think of a ton of things to post here and then somehow never seem to remember to post when I have the time.  This obviously leads to things like a 1AM post when I should be sleeping.

So life updates first:

I still have a crazy schedule since I currently work three jobs but two of the schedules stay pretty stable so that helps create a little more routine than I had last year which is nice.  The third job is starting to taper off since the weather is finally getting cooler so that means it might be time to find a new third job in addition to the constant search for something a little more permanent.

I guess I should go back a bit and just talk about the things I was brainstorming about a few weeks ago.  Working at the synagogue has reminded me about so many holidays that I either never understood or appreciated as a kid and has made me realize that as Jewish as I feel sometimes, I have been very disconnected from the community as a whole for the past few years.  This year was the first High Holidays I had actively participated in for a few years.

Since I work with some of the teens, I was hired to design and run the teen program for both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this year.  I read a lot of programs designed by other people before I could choose what I thought were the most important things that I wanted to discuss with these kids.  I always go in knowing that I can't get 100% approval rate from parents and kids but it's still hard not to worry about all those things.

I realized that I would love to work with these kids on a more regular basis because there are so many things that I would love to talk about with them but it's not possible to create the kind of bond you need to really tackle tough issues with teens.  Sometimes I wonder if they ever get some of the important lesson that they teach in college, for example, all the issues pertaining to sexual assault and how to handle it, but they are being faced with earlier than adults expect.

I am getting off topic but I guess programming for these holidays was also a lot about trying to convince the teens to look inside themselves and see the good and the bad within themselves pertaining to their actions for the past year.  I know that I have helped the teens I work with feel like they are a more valued part of the community but I also know that I fell short on planning and implementing programs that teach them what could be invaluable lessons if it could help them handle future situations more positively.

I will attempt to have a more coherent post soon but I was just thinking that I should at least put something up tonight since I was thinking about it and had a little time.  Hopefully I will get my butt to yoga tomorrow so I start working on my goal to treat my whole self better.

Believe in yourself! Take your game into outer space!

So I know it has been FOREVER since I last updated this and I had all sorts of ideas of what to write about and now the Olympics are here and that is really distracting.

I could complain about the Olympics and the frustrations I have about the way they broadcast them but I think it would be better to just focus on the things that I am loving about these games.

1. The athletes without a country marching in the Parade of Nations actually looked like they were enjoying themselves.  They were dancing and just generally having fun unlike a lot of the other athletes who looked too serious to enjoy themselves.  Yes, it's an international competition but sports are also supposed to be fun.

2. The pictures I get from the stands of some of the events from my British friends who are actually there.  It's cool, but I am jealous.

3. We get to hear about athletes from around the world that might go unheard of by the general population otherwise.

4.  I record the events I want to see so I can skip all the silly commercials and commentary.

5. When John Orozco got off the floor, you heard Horton comment to him that he was now done with his first day at the Olympics as if he was trying to make it seem like it was no big deal.  If I could work with an Olympic team, it would be a tie between swimming and men's gymnastics since both are very entertaining.  Have you seen the video of the swim team?

I am almost ready for bed since I just want to watch a few more events and then go to bed since I have to be in the pool for a long time tomorrow!

But you don't know which page to turn to, do you?

Yesterday I started to reread the Harry Potter series again.  With all of this Hunger Games craze, I just reread that series and needed to be reminded of what started it all.  I realized that this made me a little sad.

When I started reading Harry Potter for the first time, it was before the craze started.  I had no idea that Harry was a wizard and I think it made the books even better for being able to discover that for myself.

I love that there are these books that make kids want to join up and read before the movie comes out but sometimes I wish that my future potential children would have the option to read these books and make all of the fun plot discoveries by themselves.  I know that there will be other books that will be new and different for them but it makes me sad when I see kids who don't read in favor of TV.  To be fair, a number of parenting technique that I witness make me a little sad but on the flip side, I know some truly amazing parents who are in the process of raising some pretty stellar kids.

Sorry it has taken me so long to post.  I couldn't think of anything that I felt was important enough to follow the last post.

There are some new and exciting things brewing but more on that when they work out a little more clearly.

We Can Burn Brighter Than The Sun

My grandma passed away this week.  It's hard for me to talk about since it's hard for people to understand since our relationship was so unique.

For about 22 years, my grandma and great-aunt lived in the four room house next door to mine.  Growing up, my parents added a door to our house so that Lizzie and I could run to their house through the backyard rather than venturing out to the front.  It didn't matter if we were living across the street or just next door, if we used the front door, she always worried that we wouldn't get home safely.  The door knocker on that house still says "Emilia's Second Home."  If my parents weren't home when I got dropped off, that's where I ended up to do art projects or watch ballets on video or just hang out with auntie and grandma.

It's only upon looking at our relationship when I was growing up now that I realize that my grandma helped keep me a kid as long as possible.  She would come over every night and read to me until I fell asleep.  When I was older and was reading on my own, she would sit with me while I finished the chapter (or the book) and either read something else or read the dictionary.  She told me her dad used to read the dictionary so she figured she may as well.  I don't know if she ever made it that far since she always seemed to be starting over.

The Einstein quote "If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairytales" seems most fitting since she read me Peter Pan or Brambly Hedge, the same stories night after night yet she always read what I requested.  It didn't matter that I was becoming too old to have stories read to me every night, she was the last person I saw before I feel asleep and the first person to greet me in the morning.  When she and my mom would go to the ballet, Dad would be tasked with reading to me and it still took me ages longer to fall asleep than when Grandma did.

I wasn't the easiest child but I knew I had screwed up when she felt she had to tell me I was out of line.  She made me soup when I was sick, came over when I had crazy early mornings for fun activities and woke me up for school with breakfast almost every morning.  It just occurred to me that this is probably the reason I am so distrustful of alarm clocks and they make me so paranoid, I can't count on them like I could count on Grandma.

My aunt asked what my Grandma's favorite charity was and realizing that I had no idea, I asked my parents.  Both of them looked stumped for a minute until my dad comments: "Emilia and Lizzie's wallets."  She spoiled both of us rotten.  She would fund trips for Lizzie and I to do sister things or go shopping or whatever but there were times we knew we couldn't tell Grandma we wanted something or we would end up with it and Mommy would not be pleased.

When my parents both worked full time, Grandma would sometimes take Lizzie and I shopping but we would take a cab there and a cab back which is not so common in the South Bay.  While sitting in the cab, we would help her make sure her wallet was organized.  It was never the disaster that mine is now but our job was to make sure that "George Washingtons' heads were all going the same way."  To this day, it makes me crazy when the president's don't all face the same way.  She also ironed money if it wasn't crisp enough or went through the wash.  I still think that's a little strange but she did it so it must be cool.

There are those people who have their grandmas that raise them and then there are those who never see or know their grandmas and I was lucky to have such an amazing one in my life.  It hit me when I came home last night since I park in their driveway that she's never going to happen to come out when I get home.

I've always known that I would get to this point eventually but losing her was once one of my greatest fears.  I lost sleep as a kid trying to imagine what my life would be like when she could no longer be in it.  What I've realized is that she's always wanted me to live my life for me and that she always just loved being a part of that.  There are a billion more stories to tell about her from our twenty three years together and I look forward to telling my future offspring about what an amazing woman  my grandma was.  If I can be even half as amazing as she is, I will have lived a good life.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Happy New Year!

So in retrospect, 2011 wasn't my best year but I learned a whole lot about myself and I think gained more tools to improve my future opportunities and potential.  I decided that 2012 will be the year I try to challenge myself more and try new things.

On to better things.  I recently help name a cat.  If you know me, you know that I am totally not a cat person.  I am pretty allergic to them and they bore me a whole lot more than dogs but this was the cat of my best friend, so I will do my best to like it.  I suggested to name him (the cat in question) Sheldon since we had some many good times watching The Big Bang Theory last year and in case you don't watch the show, the main character has a song which is sung to him while he's sick called Soft Kitty.  Meagan and I sang it to each other for fun sometimes.  It's hard being 3,000 miles from her so I'm really hoping that I can make it out there in the spring.

The last few weeks have brought some interesting opportunities that I am debating.  I promise to get more into all those options once I have a clearer idea what I think I will end up doing.  It's been nice to have projects to work on.

I have also retaken up knitting.  I am trying to get better at it because I know that I am slowly getting towards the age where my friends are going to start getting married and having kids and it would be great to be able to make things for all these future children.  My other goal is to make an acceptable helmet liner for Meagan since apparently other ladies make these and give them away and she better be wearing one of mine and not one of these ladies.

So, things I have been enjoying of late about being unemployed.  I got to go to a taping of Chelsea Lately yesterday.  It's actually the episode I'm watching on TV now.  I'm glad I went to a show like this because it was filmed in one take rather than having to watch them do the same jokes again and again.  Rush and sorority life were great prep for being part of the studio audience especially when they are recording that sections as the noise to represent the whole audience.  It's a lot of clapping, fake laughter, (well some of it, everyone on that show is pretty funny to begin with) and cheering.  Next time, I'm bringing a book though since the waiting to get in was about twice as long as the taping.

It just occurred to me that it's been over a month since I updated this so I should probably address the holiday season that just passed.  Lizzie came home for a bit and walked in to her surprise Hanukkah present which was a Christmas tree.  For some reason, every person that I mentioned this tree to proceeded to then ask me, "Aren't you Jewish?" For anyone that questioned that, YES I AM A JEW.  I have been for almost 23 years.  Well, depending on who you ask, the amount of time I have been a Jew might change... It's a long story but if you're curious, ask.  I forgot how many amazing ornaments my mom's family had given her over the years.  We also discovered that somehow, Lizzie made no ornaments in school so almost all the little kid craft ones were mine.  Getting the tree was a debacle on its own but it was so ridiculous, I won't get into it.

New Year's Eve is normally such a let down.  Going out to bars are crowded and awkward but you never meet anyone new by just seeing the same people you see all year.  This year, I decided that I was just going to have people from all my different groups of west coast friends over and we were just going to hang out.  There were no expectations of what the night would hold and it was exactly what I wanted.  It was super relaxed and I didn't have to deal with anyone I didn't want to which was perfect.  I would do it again.

Other updates, if you need to get a hold of me and don't have my e-mail or phone number, I have a twitter (ekubokirs) or leave me a comment here, or ravelry.com if you are crafty.  I love that site.

I will try to update this more often but it will probably start being more commentary and less about life.